Diary Of A Loner
This was THE piece that made me picked up writing back in 1994. It was originally published in Biodegradable Material #1 fanzine, which was done by Weng and Lee (ex-The Pilgrim; ex-Carburetor Dung) and few other friends. I’m not really sure who wrote this, it could be either one of them. The version here have been edited by me with the intention of making it flow better. To those who wants to read the original piece, do drop me a line here. As written in its original disclaimer: Please do not enjoy reading this. Prepare yourself to weep
A loner… who or what is he?
Is he a person that has no confidence in himself?
An introvert who does not have many friends and always looked woebegone?
A person that is easily hurt or vulnerable?
Scum of the earth?
Well, being a loner usually means that you live your ordinary life alone without much happiness in it.
You live your life feeling down, inferior, depressed, bored, lonely and miserable most of the time. You feel isolated and neglected by the society as well as the world around you. You feel helpless, breathless and life seems does not worth a dime. In other words, life sucks so bad, sometimes you wish that you were dead.
Since human is a social animal, you did try to mingle with all kinds of people with different attitude hoping that you could somehow blend in and be like them. Hence, you have to pretend that you like them and/or you accept their norms and moral values. You hope to accept and be accepted by their norms but… you know just can’t do it. The differences in values and outlook are so apparent. You’ll end up finding that their morals are your immoralities. Which, if you try to blend in, you’ll live your life as a hypocrite because you have to lie to yourself, and that is something you couldn’t get yourself to do.
So, you’ll find yourself staying in your room with your head between your knees and your arms wrapping around your body.
You’ll then also start to avoid meeting people, old friends, school mates, relatives, neighbours, your dad’s friends, etc.
Not that you’re anti-social or anything, but you are just tired of thinking ways out from questions like:
“Where do you work now?”
“When are you getting married?”
So, obviously, staying in the room is better and safer.
Well, you have a few of them and you appreciate your relationship with them. But then again, are they really your friends when they are only there during happy times?
Are they your friends if they tend to shy away when they know you no longer can make them smile or laugh?
What is a friend when you cannot share your emotional problems with?
That’s fucked up.
Because as human, you need to have friends.
What about old friends.
Hmm… but how to reconnect with them?
They now talk about their career, business, money, shares, latest car, latest golf course, and latest everything. Everyone’s busy comparing notes, while you bite your finger. And they used to be your cool friends during school days. Now they’ve yuppies while you’re still a hippie.
What about girls?
What about love?
Well, your self-esteem has always been a bitch to you. It serves like a huge thick concrete wall that separate a girl and you.
A quick look into the mirror, will assure you that your boss’ butt crack is nicer to look at than your face.
But yeah, you still want to love and be loved, but how?
Especially when you don’t even know how to make a move on a girl and you have no idea how to express your feelings romantically despite knowing it’s there in you somewhere. You are not charming, not adorable and definitely not loveable. In the end, you have nothing much to offer them. So, every time you start thinking with your dick, you know you’ll end up with Mrs Palm and her five daughters.
Salting the wound is when you see your friends walking hang in hand with their girlfriends/wife.
You, you don’t even own a pet.
You wish you could be like them, but the reality is, your dates have and will only be in your dreams.
You want to hug and you want to be hugged. You want to kiss and you want to be kissed.
But which girl would want you?
You are also fully aware that no sane parents would want to have their daughter to date you, or have your as their son-in-laws.
Heck, even if you were a parent yourself, you’d do the same.
Really? Would a parent allow their daughter to come near to a person who is nowhere near from being stable in every aspects of life?
A person who are incapable of becoming a good macho breadwinner?
Allowing their daughter to marry you is like throwing her into a desert. She will die from starvation.
So what do you do?
You dream and/or fantasises
This is when you’ll start to hate yourself, especially when you have so many questions unanswered.
Why can’t you lead a normal life?
Come out from mom’s womb; go to school; get a job; get married; buy a car; start a family; and then die. It seems pretty easy that way – just follow and obey all the unwritten values/rules and wallah!
Should you change or should the world change?
Year after year, you still have your questions unanswered.
Should you just live and ignore all the above?
How does a loner spend his day?
Well, one thing for sure, you lead an uninteresting life.
You go to work in the morning (if you have a job) and come home in the evening to be greeted by loneliness. You entertain yourself by reading books/magazines and/or watch movies and/or surf the net and/or listen to music. Speaking of music, psychedelic and post rock works like a charm, as it’ll take you to a happier place. A place you felt like you’ve been before, but very likely you haven’t. It’s beautiful and peaceful.
The downer of this is when you open your eyes because the reality is – You’re still in your room, sitting at the corner feeling depressed.
Maybe you should smile more then, who knows, it might help.
But how to do so when you’ve actually forgotten how to smile, or laugh
Maybe you can go back to the one who actually love you undyingly – your parents.
But being a loner, you will definitely be a disappointment to them. No, you don’t blame them, you’ll never blame them, because you love them and they love you, you owe them a lot and they owe you nothing. They brought you into this world and what they wished for is for you to succeed in life. The sad thing is – until today; you have failed to fulfill their wish. Shame on you, ungrateful child!
Well, is it that bad to live your life as a loner?
Maybe you are a loner because you live your life without having other people interfering with what you do.
This is what and who you are, and you are what you are.
Like everyone else, you have feelings, ideas, thoughts and the same red blood, the only thing that separate you from the rest is that you are a loner.
So, no matter how people reject, dislike, ignore and no matter how disgusting you are you will survive and you know that.
Who knows one day when you find someone or something that will shine the light on you, cheer you up, tickle and chug-a-lug you, you might not be lonesome anymore and one thing for sure you aint gonna be like Jeffrey Dahmer.
Time will tell.
To all you lonesome people out there. Lift your spirit and try to enjoy this fucking life. Life goes on and we will survive